


Kiss of Death

by MioOkumura



Category: Megadeth, Metallica
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 15:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15145892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MioOkumura/pseuds/MioOkumura
Summary: Pamina Augsburg has been around Dave since they were prepubescent teens in high school. However, while she was busy being trained in music theory trapped with the confines of her house he was busy learning metal and punk rock being anything but chained to the house. Can these polar opposites find a common ground or both fade away trying?





	1. The Vengeance of Hell Boil My Heart

** The vengeance of Hell boils in my heart,  
Death and despair flame about me! - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart **

My sharp high pitched voice broke into the air once more as my matriarch looked down towards me with this calculated look seeing if I were to mess up the next few bars. This song was one of the hardest in my arsenal. It's Mozart's The Queen of Night's Aria. This song is only meant for sopranos who can reach at least for the bare minimum four to five different octaves. I'm also singing this song in its native tongue, German. One mistake and this entire song could come undone before me, one slight key off pitch can easily ruin the song, and one slight interruption can throw everything off kilter for me and this song. I prayed to whatever sick Gods that this wouldn't happen, and fortunately for me it did.

Back then I was angry, livid, pissed, scared, and fearful of what would happen next when my voice broke and shifted to one single note below its intended key. The loud ringing thud on the door destroyed and ruined a masterpiece. A failure of song. No one could perfectly replicate that song. It was damn near impossible, and I almost did damn near impossible until you showed up. That loud thud on the door was caused by none other than you and only you.

My mother stood up abruptly and her darkened gaze was not focused on me but on the door adjacent to us now.

"You stay." She pointed towards me with this now strengthened anger directed not entirely towards me anymore. As she walked away I ran to the window adjacent from me and cracked open the blinds that shut me in this house. When I looked out of the window I saw my mother yelling at you.

You were a rather lanky and thin kid. You seemed a bit awkward and out of place. Your hazel eyes seemed to darken and held no respect for authority as you glared up at her, your lips were constantly held in a downward frown, and your long ginger bangs were swooped over to the side of your head as they were clearly sloppy and kept undone (kind of like your entire appearance in general). Yet something drew me to you. It only made more more excited and antsy as you flipped my mother off and told her to quote 'Go fuck herself'.

I gasped. Obscenities were quite unmannerly. It was unwomanly of a young girl to do it, and it certainly wasn't gentlemanly of a young man to do such a thing either. Yet, despite all that I was still drawn to you. If anything that drew me to you even more and made me somewhat obsessed with your whole gruff and bad boy ascetic. I was riveting and exciting to me. I never been witnessed or better yet even been around a person like you. You screamed this sort of danger, and I was nothing but attracted to it even if I knew that it would bite me in the end. I didn't care back then I craved the danger that you gave off.

I quickly scampered away from the window as I saw mother coming back into the living room grumbling on about how unruly and how undisciplined you are. 'That disgusting little urchin!' she mumbled out. Her ramblings quieted down as she plopped down into her chair as she gazed upon my flustered features once more.

"Go on continue. That creature wasted my time, and you are too, by standing around like some bloody fool! You messed up the last verses. Start from the beginning!" She belted out.

As I opened my mouth to start the song again mind mind couldn't help, but wonder over to you, the boy with unruly ruby red hair and hypnotizing hazel eyes. This feeling burrowed itself deep into my heart. Whether it was vengeance for you disrupting my song or a developing small crush I will never be able to properly decipher, but I wanted to hold onto it anyway. These feelings from that night on began to flame and burn around me. The vengeance of Hell begins to completely boil my heart.


	2. Make it Awful

**Make it awful  
It's your life it's your party it's so awful   
Let's start a fire   
Let's have a riot! Yeah it's awful   
It was punk   
Yeah it was perfect now it's awful   
They know how to break all the girls   
like you   
And they rob the souls of the girls like you   
And they break the hearts of the girls - Hole **

The hot summer days in California would soon be replaced the slightly cooled brick air of Fall in the small suburban town of La Mesa. That also meant Summer Break was coming to an end as well. School was starting up tomorrow and I was nothing, but fearful. My first year at the local highschool around actual people. Sure I have been around actual people, but being around people my own age was very rare and barely ever happened. So given this you could only imagine how out of place I was.

I had my strawberry blonde hair draped down upon my shoulders, while cherry red lipstick stuck to my thin yet full lips. My ocean blue eyes were crystal clear, but clearly showed at least a moderate amount of dread, sickness, and lack of sleep. My dress on the other hand was long and white with only a few black checked patterns found on the bottom of the dress and on its short sleeves. I looked like I belonged out of those old black and white television shows like Father Knows Best or something like that.

While walking to school I saw you and your sister walking down the same street I was. I wanted to go over and talk to you then and there, but my awkwardness hindered me and crippled my chance to talk to you. Accepting my cowardice I went on my way to the local high school.

All day I was just there. No one talked to me, no one bothered me, and I assume no one knew my existence. Except for you.

I was running down the halls to my next class as I bumped into you. I crashed onto the floor as your auburn eyes gazed down towards me confused, annoyed, and angered. The fuck is wrong with me? A finally run into a cute boy (quite literally) and I blow my chance with him.

I began to scrabble around dirtying my long ankle length dress and scraping up my ancient black and white Oxford shoes. As I began gathering my books you began to crouch down to help me huddle together the rest of my belongings.

As we finished composing ourselves I looked up towards your around 6 foot stature as I squeaked out a small 'Thank you', 'Sorry', and 'I promise it won't happen again', etc. However this only seemed to only aggravate you further as your face seemed to be stuck in this permanent frown.

You muttered out a 'no problem' as you began to walk away. 'Crap!', I thought to myself. I can't have you get away that easily. You probably think I'm some dork or something. Hell, I already look like I came out of the fifties.

"Wait!", I cried out catching your attention, "What's your name?"

You turned towards me with this nonchalant gaze present in your eyes and this spunky nihilistic attitude that only seemed to further attract me to you. It was punk, it was new, it was awful, terrible, and everything I was not.

"It's Dave." You groaned out uninterested. As you spoke those two words to me it became even more clear how much I wanted you. Guys like you are trouble. Guys like you rob the hearts and souls of young girls like me. Guys like you manage to break the hearts of girls like me. But you knew what you were doing. You were trying to break an innocent girl like me. It's so awful, and I was stupid, but you were so beautiful. I knew from that day on you were making my life a riot, akin to some out of control fire that couldn't possibly be quieted or settled down. 

After those few short moments in the hall I was completely dazed and confused on cloud nine. As I walked my way home I couldn't help, but stare at you from cross the street at times. Every time I did I felt this sort of giddiness and impulsiveness run through me. It was like I was given new life through you. However, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt for thinking such things. It was after all improper for a young girl to think that was about a man, much less of one she didn't even really know. It intern made me even more flustered by the thought of doing something bad. It's funny now that I think more about it actually it was simultaneously so perfect yet so awful. And I didn't mind or regret it one bit not even for a second. I wanted a person like you to come into my life, wreck it, and make it awful.


	3. Sweating Bullets

**Feeling paranoid  
True enemy or false friend?  
Anxiety's attacking me and  
My air is getting thin  
I'm in trouble for the things  
I haven't got to yet  
I'm chomping at the bit and my  
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets - Megadeth**

The week seemed to pass by as I went from class to class. I was still following you around like some lost puppy. It seemed to annoy you, but not enough to force you to tell to go piss off of something of that nature. Right now we had Honors Biology class together. We were put into groups, and much to your dismay and my own pleasure we were assigned together.

You stared down at me rather uninterested as usual waiting for me to do something. Damn!  I'm shaking under pressure and sweating bullets. Crap! What should I say? I have to say something! Saying nothing is akin to saying something! What do I do? I seem stupider and even more antisocial than I already am!

"Hi, I'm Pamina." I stuttered looking up at you holding out my hand towards yours. You looked down at my hand for a second then gazed back up towards my face almost questioningly. You raised a single eyebrow and then gently shook my small minuscule hand with your own large and calloused on.

 _'Oh my God! This is the first physical contact I've ever had with a boy!_ ' I thought excitedly to myself.

"You already know my name." You stated knowingly.

This was my first real conversation with a peer my age. Looking back at it who knew it would be so underwhelming. However, back then I knew no better, so I thought it was the best thing to ever happen to my life.

I remember feeling paranoid, antsy, and scared the entire time. My social anxiety was attacking me, the air around me grew thin as I blurted out each word, my palms were sweaty and wet, while my fingers were twitching and picking at the loose skin around my nails and cuticles.

Our project was to experiment and find the difference between amphibians, mammals, lung fish, whales, and dolphins. So as expected this would involve us spending time together for the next week and a half. That week and a half was the time of my life. You changed and altered me. You allowed me to step outside of myself for a second in my rather monotonous life.

I remember when I first came over to your house with textbooks and other materials while you were anything, but diligent are caring towards our project.

When I entered your house it seemed like any other typical suburban household in the seventies. It had family pictures up, a small television set, couch, and kitchen. However, the other inhabitants of this household made it different from any other. Just like my own household the father figure was absent from the house. Sure, your mother greeted me at the door, and your sister was on the couch reading some girly magazine, but you were nowhere in sight. Your mother directed me upstairs saying that you would be in your bedroom which was the first room to my right at the top of the stairs.

Once I reached the top of the stairs my ears were immediately greeted with loud metal music. It was Iron Maiden's Killers blaring from your room's stereo. I quietly and shyly approached your room and began to gently knock at your door. It didn't work, so I persisted only louder this time as I began to rap much more loudly at the door. I could hear you grumble out some obscenities as you went to open your door. You greeted me with a low growl as your messy medium length hair covered your face, and your clothes were rather casual with your baggy Motorhead t-shirt and ripped denim jeans to match.

Your room was really unkept and messy. Dirty clothes, vinyl records, comics, and band posters were all scattered across the room. The only thing that seemed to be kept rather nicely was an acoustic guitar that sat adjacent to your unmade bed beneath your window.

"Why are you here? What do you want?" You muttered still annoyed.

"We have to work on our biology project." I peeped shyly.

You muttered out 'Come in' still rather angered as you sat down on the floor and opened up one of the large textbooks of mine.

I can assume you could sense my fear and shy mannerisms.

"What's wrong you're acting weirder than usual?" You muttered out pretending to be interested in the book in front of you. 

There's no point in hiding or at least pretending to hinder my awkwardness around you now. What the hell did I have to loose from telling you? 

"I feel really out of place." I stated unconfidently, "Your music is very loud. It's scary. You scare me." I affirmed all too unsurely.

You looked up at me now amused, interested, and intrigued by my unfiltered thoughts. You then leaned forward smirking at me as to try and intimidate me, and it was working.

"Oh and why is that?" you said the a slight cheeky and evident smirk now glued onto your lips. 

"You're different.", "You are everything. I'm not Dave. I've never met or have been around a person like you. You terrify me. I never seen a man, much less a peer around my age act as nihilistic and droog-ish like you do." I further explained myself trying to justify my mannerisms.

I expected you to be offended, but no you took pride in this title that I gave you. In essence you seemed nothing, but proud in how I just labeled you. It was almost as if you were asking for it. You seemed to revel in the fact that you knowingly  appall and alarm me. You were inhuman. At least I thought you were.

You forced my chin up, so I could gaze directly into your olive chestnut like eyes. My own eyes widened as I witnessed you closing in on my personal space. You brushed back my blonde hair that framed my face and held me by my chin my eyes could only bore into yours and nothing else surrounding us in the room surrounding us. 

"Good.", you established all too certainly and confidently. "I want you to be scared of me, little girl." Afterwards you relinquished your hold on my face and went back to your own designated spot on the floor with the large textbook sitting right next to you. 

You peeped up at me still shocked from the events that just occurred.

"So, are we going to do this project or not?" You questioned all too playfully for my liking. 

I don't know what I have gotten myself into, but you have me sweating bullets.


	4. Light My Fire

**You know that it would be untrue  
You know that I would be a liar   
If I was to say to you   
Girl, we couldn't get much higher   
Come on baby, light my fire   
Come on baby, light my fire   
Try to set the night on fire - The Doors **

The awkwardness seemed to simmer down after that little stunt you pulled. You seemed to act more casual around me, and seemed to not be as hard as you previously were on me. You still heavily flirting with me and teasing me. I still became flustered every time, to the point of stuttering when you would even sling one of your arms around my shoulders.

After the week and a half of arduously working on the project we had finally completed it. However, we didn't part ways. We still conversed and talked with each other, but the air between us was much more friendly and was tense at least in that way. Undoubtedly, the hatred in the air vanished, but that was replaced with this weird sexual tension that made me act ever more awkward and uncoordinated around you. However, I didn't mind it one bit. You were bringing out new parts of me that I never knew existed. My lack of libido and social interaction was only fed and fueled by you, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

You later went to ask me out for the night. It was a Friday night, and while most kids went out on dates to the bookstore, record store, or the movies that wasn't what you had in mind. You came to my house around 7:30 pm. My mother welcomed you inside of our small quant little house and eyed your appearance up and down in disgust. Your long, still growing, shaggily, messy, unkept hair, ripped jeans, combat boots, and your wrinkled Led Zeppelin t-shirt.

I could see my mother grit and grind her teeth in disgust as she gazed upon your rather informal appearance. However, she forced a stiffened grin upon your face and invited you inside of our house. She began to interrogate you, since she only wanted the very best for her  dear daughter.

I saw you mirroring her forced smirk. She couldn't necessarily say anything to you since you weren't acting up or anything infant of her. She later gave me permission to leave with you after she had met you and we made our way to the surprise location.

"Dave," I looked up at you confused. "Where are we going? This is far away from any of the other stores on the strip." 

You smirked down at me, and ruffled my hair slightly almost like I was some small naive child. "Don't worry about it." We continued to walk along the naked narrow path away from the rest of society until we came across the worn down, dark, shady, small looking building and lot. No one was standing around outside. You opened the shop door, and insisted on me going in first. I was fearful, and I had every right to be. This place was isolated from the rest of La Mesa, California, and looked like trouble lingered around it. This was obviously not my natural surrounding or anything I was even remotely accustomed to.

Once I entered the building the pungent yet strong smell of marijuana, alcohol, and nicotine cigarettes filled the air making it almost impossible for me to breathe. And loud punk and metal music flooded my ears making it almost futile to even try and hear the other patrons, you, or even myself. I was obviously uncomfortable. I didn't even fit in with the aesthetic of the place. My long black and white polkadot dress, slightly heeled black Mary Janes, and bright red lips matched nothing all the other people frequenting this place. However, you on the other hand were as usual nothing but casual, calm, and used to these surroundings. You must have been here before. Why would you act so mellow otherwise?

I began to fiercely gripped onto your hand as I began to frantically look around. You gently squeezed my hand back in response and pulled me towards you and began to delicately pet my head and simultaneously comb through my hair with your fingers. I gazed into your  hazel eyes as yours bore into my own blue ones. 

"You're going to be fine, Pamina. I wouldn't bring you somewhere if I knew there would be some sort of problem or that you would be in danger. Just trust me on this one okay?"

I nodded hesitantly and further traveled into this strange new place along with you.

 It was a rather small place, yet very spacious. The walls were all painted a dreadful, black but were heavily decorated with band and movie posters. The patrons seemed to also be a part of the interior. It seemed like they belonged here, which only made it even more blatantly obvious that I myself didn't. Both the men and the women wore all black. However, there were distinct differences between the two genders. For starters the women all wore fishnets, black makeup, short bob cut styled hair that was still spunky, baggy hole riddled band tees, and black combat boots. The men on the other hand wore no makeup had long hair that seemed the reach the ends of their backs, black ripped jeans, some sort of band tee, and sneakers, or combat boots. They were all sitting around drinking, smoking, sitting around playing guitar, reading, or conversing with others.

It wasn't until you snapped me out of my endless gaze and dragged me to the back room that I broke my thoughts. You began to shuffle something within your right jean pocket. You then fished out two rolled up pieces of paper which I assumed to contain cannabis. I was very hesitant and scared as you held out one towards me expecting me to take one and inhale. You got annoyed  and lit it for me anyway, forced my lips open, and plopped it in between my ruby red lips.

"Don't just stand there. Inhale." You instructed.

I did. The time to hesitate was through.  I had no time to wallow. I had to try it now and I could only lose. At first I felt this fear consume the entirety of my body, however, after it reached my lungs I felt  feeling of relief occupy my body as a whole. It began to mellow out all of my frigid senses and allowed me to finally not be as uptight as I usually was. I felt completely in a dreary daze. It distilled my cold exterior and interior and drew me closer to you.

I began to wrap my small arms and figure around your body, then you looked down towards me and genuinely smiled ever so slightly.

"I think I love you, Dave." I whispered out. Normally if all my senses were back to normal I wouldn't have been able to openly admit this to you out of fear of being turned down, and of complete and utter embarrassment. However, now I couldn't care less.

When I stated this all too confidently and quietly you gazed back down towards me  and gently brushed my blonde bangs from out of my face. You leaned down and planted a compassionate, yet short and delicate kiss upon my small yet full lips. 

"I think I love you too, Pamina." You whispered hushed out almost afraid to admit your feelings toward me to yourself.

I'm having fun. Those drugs you gave me made me dumb, yet extremely happy. It felt like we were floating on clouds. The sun is gone and the day was done, but you allowed me to inhale and intake a piece of your soul with it. I also believed then and still believe now that you took a piece of mine that day as well. But I could be wrong. After all,  I think I'm dumb. Plus we couldn't get much higher. Baby, you light my fire. You set my night on fire.


	5. Teenage Whore

** When I was a teenage whore  
My mother asked me, she said, "Baby, what for?  
I give you plenty, why do you want more?  
Baby, why are you a teenage whore?" ** **I've seen your repulsion and it looks real good on you  
I don't want to live what you had, you have put me through  
I wanted that shirt and I, I wanted those pants  
It's all the lying put me through and I  
I never, whoa! - Hole**

 

I was having the time of my life my you. I have never felt so alive, so free, so liberated. The high that fogged and clouded my mind only brought and drove me closer towards you. However, that night we learned that we weren't really ourselves. With me you learned that if given the chance I could be loud, extraverted, and excitable. However, with you on the other hand you were essentially the exact opposite of me. This was the first time I have ever bared witnessed you in such a vulnerable, sensitive, exposed, defenseless, and wide open state. You were like a small wounded animal. You always acted so tough and masculine around everyone, but you seemed to forget that being open and sensitive is a good thing as well. You seemed to shame and shun that part  of your personality. You acted as though it didn't exist and like you were this tough, crude, unfeeling, unfeeling rebel of a man, but in all atonality you were exactly like me, weak, lonely, and vulnerable. 

We spent a few hours in that place, with our senses blurred and our clothes and hair were ruffled and wrinkled from us groping each other and us kissing each other quite ferociously. You clearly had a huge affect on me. Never before have I thought about dating a boy, let alone kissing one, but you seem to draw out different parts of me quite easily and quite quickly. The changes I was undergoing was practically overnight. You were making me much more rebellious and much more free-spirited and much less conservative. I hoped I was having the same effect on you as well. You were tearing down my walls just like those in Berlin, and I hoped I was doing the same to yours.

We slowly left the building stumbling over each other, giggling, laughing, and trying to make our way back home. I didn't want to leave you though. I was scared of leaving you. What would this mean for our relationship? Will you act like nothing ever happened, will we start officially dating, or will we just act like friends? So many question buzzed around my head. All these possibilities yet no answer in sight. All of these options was making my brain her and were sobering me up from my high. 

'Damn!' I thought. 'What would mother think?' Mother kept my leash rather short. I have lived a sheltered life away from the public, away from social interaction, away from evil rock music, and away from juvenile delinquents like you. What would she think of me? Me coming home late with a boy, high, and frazzled. I must've looked like so common whore! How indecent, improper, and unladylike of me! I was turning into something else, and I didn't mind it one bit.

We arrived at my house and we shyly smiled at each other reminiscing on our time spent with each other tonight. You then leaned in and planted a delicate kiss upon my lips. Just as you pulled away the door to my house opened and my mother stood there livid, angry, and disappointed in me.

She began to tap her foot impatiently and intentionally cough to draw our attention towards her. Her stern face, sharp blue eyes, and thin lips stuck in a straight neutral line. She glared down towards me, and began to speak.

"Say goodnight to your friend, Pamina." She ordered in an unaltered and emotionless tone.

"Goodnight, Dave." I said in a shy squeaky voice.

You opened your mouth to speak, but I was immediately pulled inside of the house. She promptly locked the door pulled me closer to her form and then slapped me across the face.

"How dare you!" She screeched. "I do everything for you! I was preparing you for your future! And how do you repay me? You go off and get high with some delinquent far away from our house!"

"But mother, please!" I pleaded

"No enough, Pamina! You are not to see that rabble-rouser ever again! He's trying to take you away from me, and I won't stand for it! Look at me! I give you plenty why must you want and take more! Why are you such a loose whore!" She yelled out. 

"Look at yourself for a second, Pamina." She tried to reason for me. "You are turning against me. He made you turn against me. You are now a whore. You are now so willing to open your legs for the first man you meet. What's wrong with you?" She whispered out in this gentle caring tone, however, her repulsion of me shown clearly on her sharp features, and it suited her quite nicely.

"Go to your room, Pamina. We will discuss this in the morning."

I ran straight to my room once dismissed crashed onto my bed and began to softly weep into my pillow case and bed sheets. Why I thought to myself repulsed by my actions. Why am I like this? I'm so disgusting. I'm so pathetic. I'm so dirty and cheap. I'm fake diamonds, and fake jewels. No one loves me for what I am, but for what I imitate. I'm nothing, but a dumb teenage whore.


	6. Wallow in a Sea of Sorrow

** Call off the chase   
Walls of thought, strong and high   
As my castle crumbles with time...   
I think of you   
Oh, yes I do   
Such a crime  ** ** You opened fire...and your mark was true   
You opened fire...aim my smiling skull at you   
You opened fire...  ** **I live tomorrow, you I'll not follow  
As you wallow in a sea of sorrow - Alice in Chains **

 

When I woke up the next morning my hair was a mess, my blue eyes were bloodshot, and my makeup from the other night smudged and ruined. I was trash, and now I looked like it too. I looked around my room once more. It was emotionally bare. Sure, all my past academic awards surrounded me, and all of my instruments that I have grown to adore were here too, however, none of this really meant anything to me. This just felt like some hell. All the praise and recognization I was given over the years made me less of an individual and more of a prop for my mother. I was just property of my mother; just meant to show off how amazing of a mother she is and that's it. And for a while I thought she was doing just to better me, but my sense of self-determination and rugged individualism was all stripped away from me.

What was I really? Sure, to those on the outside I was a somebody. Great grades, great docile girly personality, and an ambition for politics, but what was I beneath all of that? Beneath all of that I didn't know. I wasn't a person. I was merely my achievements. Miss Nameless. Miss Nothing. Miss Nobody. On the surface I was pretty, however, beneath all the fake smiles, dresses, makeup, I am the girl no one can look in the eye. Not because I was that pretty , but because only dark and empty voids filled them.

I sat on my bed for what seemed like hours completely dazed out, unaware of the world and those around me, all of my senses numbed due my conscience's own self evaluation of me and the realization of the situation I have been planted and stuck in ever since my own conception. My heart was lost in the dark. I was completely isolated in the void of self-critic that I have blocked out everything from the outside world. It wasn't until I heard a soft pattering off in the distance that soon grew into loud thumping and than banging. 

'Who could that be?' I thought to myself. It wasn't coming from the door so it couldn't be my mother. It seemed to be coming from the window adjacent to my bed, but what could it possibly be? It was far too loud to be something like a small bird or rodent like a squirrel or chipmunk. Curiosity was killing me so I stood up on my bed and pulled back that curtains that were sheltering me from the outside.

I gasped in shock. It was you. How did you get here? Sure this was the second floor, but I wasn't that athletic to hook myself into a tree and climb myself up. You were eagerly banging at my window urging me to open up. I opened the window and you immediately fell in onto my bed as I gasped once more covering myself in the bed's comforter.

"David! What are you doing here?" I silently screeched still in shock.

"Shhhh!" You insisted on me being silent. "You don't want to wake up your dictator of a mother do you?" I slightly shook my head no as I began to slightly lower the blankets from my small form. 

You focused your gaze upon my face and noticed the smeared makeup and a large red handprint stuck across the right side of my face. You immediately grasped my face and began to softly caress it. I jumped in shock, but was welcomely surprised by how soft and gentle you were towards me.

"I'm sorry, for leaving you." You muttered out.

You began to fish through you back pocket in search of something until you pulled out the soft white fabric that seemed to be used to clean glasses or as a handkerchief. You then began to delicately pat my face cleaning away all the runny, sticky, and caked up make up that was still present on my face from the previous night. Once it was all cleared you pulled me towards your own lanky and warm body as a method to trying comfort me. Immediately after you did that I began to burst into soft whimpers and tears. You were the only one to ever emotionally comfort me once I was hurt. Such actions were a foreign concept to me.

'Why do you care?' I thought. 'Out of everyone why do you care about an awkward antisocial weirdo like me?' Were you just planning on using me or did you really care? I really truly wanted to hate you, but why did you have to act so nice?

You only pulled me closer to you as I continued to weep into your shoulder uncontrollably. It wasn't like I wanted to cry either. Such emotions were condemned and seen as weak. However, at this very moment I couldn't control it any longer. It just burst from within me and surged out like a river with no endpoint. I was drenching you within my s

You pulled me onto your lap, gently ran your fingers through my messy and unmade hair, and rubbed gentle circles into my back. This was the first time I have ever properly experienced true sadness, ache, and pain but you were right there to comfort and protect me. 

That morning I thought of you and only you. What a crime yes I know, but I knew now for sure that there was no way of helping, hindering, ceasing, or stopping the compassion I felt for you and you alone. I'll live for another morrow, and I'll follow. But I'll never forget and always remember how you allowed me to wallow in a sea of sorrow.


	7. I'm a Ticking Bomb

** Oh my dear Heaven is a big band now  
Gotta get to sleep somehow  
Bangin' on the ceiling  
Bangin' on the ceiling  
Keep it down  ** ** Mind is a battlefield  
All hope is gone  
Trouble to the right and left  
Whose side you're on? ** **Thoughts like a minefield  
I'm a ticking bomb  
Maybe you should watch your step  
Don't get lost - Foo Fighters**

 

The day after you comforted me my internal wounds began to heal. Sunday services were today which were as usual a bore. It was a weekly ritual, especially in a small, isolated town like this. Everyone knew each other. If you didn't attend church, even for one week, you were considered a sinful and immoral person. You would practically be shunned by the rest of the community if you did. It was the 1970s, but I'd be lying if I were to say this didn't at all feel like the 16th century. Just one minuscule rumor in La Mesa could ruin you. It was just like _The Crucible_. And right now you were the black sheep among the flock of purity and conformity that surrounded us.

Of course you were just a mere high school student , but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that you supposedly sold 'one of the most evil and harmful drugs in the world', marijuana. Obviously, it was true. You admitted to me that you traded it for an AC/DC vinyl. However, this didn't take away, lessen, or subtract from the fact that they have wrongly mislabelled. To be honest in all fairness I was one of those people to. When word began to quickly spread about how you sold narcotics I was nothing but quick to label you as nothing but a juvenile delinquent. It wasn't until I got to get to know you and talk to you more that my misconceptions about you were completely blown out of the water and were replaced with nothing but adoration and understanding, since we could relate and sympathize with our own shared sorrows.

My family, your family, and the rest of the neighborhood sat in the hot, unconditioned church at 10 A.M. in the morning. The preacher was yelling and going on about how God saves, Jesus did nothing wrong, and how the evil rock n' roll was turning the youth (a.k.a us) into despicable young deviants with no moral compass and no sense of sympathy. I heard and saw you trying to cease your soft giggle while listening to this man's nonsense. It was like we were listening to Jim Jones or Billy Graham. Sure both were distinctly different, but they were undeniably the same paranoid, deranged, bigoted demagogues that we came to know them as.

Throughout all of the sermon my mind would drift to other things. While, I was beginning to slowly but surely drift away from my faith I couldn't help but think about Heaven. What was Heaven like? Is Heaven even real? I was getting lost in these thoughts until we were dismissed and the seminar ended.

Once over both of our parents began to converse with each other. Your mother seemed to be rather calmed and relaxed, but she still seemed tired. Mine on the other hand looked agitated and only seemed to show false smiles and feign happiness and human actions. When the finished talking they came over to us and began to explain how we would be having lunch with each other since you and your family were rather new to this area.

We walked down the street back to my mother's house she opened the door and quickly dashed to the kitchen along with your mother leaving us alone in the living room sitting next to each other awkwardly staring at each other What else was there to possibly say?

My mind began to go crazy wondering on what to say next. It wasn't until you rested your hand on my right shoulder that it broke me out of my trance.

"Pamina, are you okay? You were a bit dazed out for second."

I began to contemplate what to say next. I began to slightly quiver, and bite my lower lip in nervousness as the feeling of unsureness and uncomfortable began to flood my entire body. However, I couldn't merely ignore this. I've been concealing my thought and feelings for long enough after all. Who am I to deny them now?

"Dave," I muttered out silently almost unsure of myself. "What are we really? Sure we hang out with each other, and you always flirt with me. You comfort me and vice-versa, but how would you identify our relationship? Am I just a friend to you, or are we something more like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I muttered out rather quickly.

You looked down towards your feet. I guess you don't really know either. You shrugged your shoulders and then opened your mouth to speak.

"I don't know. I like you. Hell I really like, so much so that it borders on love. But I'm scared of you."

'What!' I thought. 'How are you scared of me? I am nothing but timid and submissive. You on the other hand were nothing but confident, flirtatious, loud, and dominating. You are the exact polar opposite of me! If anything I was scared of you!'

You then gently clasped my hand and covered it in yours then gazed into my own blue eyes. "I see that look in your eye, and I know you are confused Pamina. I don't want to hurt you. You are so soft, small, and naive. I don't want to break your heart. Yet, I don't want you breaking mine."

You then began to softly, but sadly smile at me. " I fear that one day you'll realize how bad I am for you. I don't want you to invade my life and then leave it in ruins. I'm a ticking bomb, baby."

I then tightly gripped into your hand with my two small ones. I turned to face you so you could see the new found confidence in my eyes. 

" Then I'll gladly get blown up. I care about you too much to let you go. I won't leave you, Dave! You can believe that!" I strongly asserted to him with this newfound base and power in my naturally soft voice.

We were both then called into the kitchen where the now prepared food laid neatly and organized on the table. As we sat next to eating our hands were firmly intertwined beneath the table as our body heat radiated from each other. Our minds are a battlefield. Our thoughts are like minefields. So we hoped and warned each other, "Don't get lost." Cause we are both ticking bombs. 


	8. You're Living in the Golden Years

** Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind  
Can't ease this pain, so easily  
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day  
And it makes me want to cry, and throw my hands up to the sky ** **So understand  
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years  
Face up, make your stand  
And realize you're living in the golden years - Iron Maiden**

 

While we were sitting at the dinner table the silence seemed like it couldn't be broken. The awkwardness in the room could've been sliced with a butter knife it was that thick. You, your sister, and I could sense it as well. I think it was messing with me the most. Even though our hands were still intertwined under the table my hand was sweating and jittery while yours was still firm and unaffected. It wasn't until mother coughed that broke the silence at the table.

"So," My mother said all too kindly. "what are your children's accolades Ms.Mustaine?" Her sly, yet still obnoxious attitude could be detected on the Richter Scale. Her smugness was practically unbearable and inescapable. 

Your mother looked like she was put on the spot a bit and seemed a tad bit uncomfortable if not completely. You and your sister raised your eyebrow in confusion and befuddlement while I continued to shake in my seat. 

"Well my Dave plays guitar." Your mother stated all too calmly and nonchalantly.

"Oh how lovely." Mother states with a sarcastic twang in her voice.

The silence within the dining room ensued again as we all continued eating supper. I'm only assuming you and your family just overlooked that jab my mother was making towards all of you. However it wasn't until she yet again disrupted dinner to make conversation.

"So, Ms. Mustaine," This gaining all of our attention. "Why does your son think it's acceptable to be disrespectful to his elders?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about Ms.Augsburg."

Mother sighed then continued with her rant. "Well to be quite frank Ms.Mustaine it is quite obvious that your child have no home training or rearing. It's almost quite revolting how your children appear and act." She declared with this holier than though complex seeping through her voice into her hazardous words.

You and your mother only seemed to glare at mine  until you broke the ice. "Well, I'm sorry that my lifestyle conflicts with your shallow, bourgeoisie, materialistic life. Maybe if you let Pamina live a little maybe she wouldn't be trembling from your gaze."

Everything became tense once more until my mother  instantly stood up from the table and stomped over to you. 

"How Dare you talk to me like that you delinquent! My child is infinitely better than you! What are you known for?! Being a drug-induced child with no academics!  My child-"

"Your child is living under a dictatorship ran by you. Piss off, bitch!" I gasped unable to properly process what just happened. It wasn't until I felt you pulling me away by the wrist towards the door that I realized what just happened.

'Holy shit! I just ditched my mother and house guests in the middle of dinner.'

You pulled me outside of the house away from the rest of the neighborhood and into the woods that stood adjacent from the small community.

We sat down on the ground of the woods getting my church dress dirty and getting your casual jeans and red flannel dirty as well. I felt so alive being so rebellious with you. Of course a small part of my mind kept nagging me and nagging me telling me to turn back and apologize to my mother for my behavior hoping for a less severe and harsh punishment. However, I had to face the facts.

 I loved you aesthetic , I loved your spunk, I loved your attitude, I love you. I had to face up, and make my stand. I couldn't just stay in the shadow of my mother just nodding my head with my tail in between my legs. You screamed rebellion and edge and I wanted a part of it.

I immediately climbed into your lap and embraced you firmly not letting you shift away from me. I planted a kiss onto you lips as you looked up towards me shocked and confused by my actions. 

"Thank you" I told you straightly. "Thank you for letting me be with you, and for not leaving me behind." 

You then raised your right hand and put it behind my head and began to pet my head comb through my hair.

"Thank you for coming with me." You replied sincerely.

For the rest of the night we stayed in the woods under the stars as the world seemed to leave us behind allowing us to live and coexist within our own personal bubble.

As we sat there dazing off under the the night sky I only thought about how much I have you on my mind. One thing we both have in common is that we can never find the right words to say. Before I met you it was hard to make it through to another day. You made me realize that I was wasting my time searching for my golden years, or searching from some sort of happiness in the form of my home life. 

As I through my hands up into the sky gazing at my shadowed figure and then flicking my view back over to you laid back and sleepy figure I began to silently tear up and cry. It wasn't for a bad reason either like it usually was. It was for my newfound freedom and liberation. I realized that I was living in the golden years.


	9. Kiss Me Deadly

** Had a few beers getting high  
Sitting watching the time go by uh-huh  
It ain't no big thing  
Nothing to eat and no T.V.  
Looking in the mirror don't get it for me uh-huh  
It ain't no big thing  ** ** But I know what I like  
I know I like dancing with you  
And I know what you like  
I know you like dancing with me oh yeah  ** **Kiss me once  
Kiss me twice  
Come on pretty baby kiss me deadly - Lita Ford**

Since that night I became much more outspoken and care free. This was much to my mother's distaste and displeasure, but I honestly couldn't care. With you by my side I thought I could conquer the world. I still kept up with my school work and everything, but now I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. 

I was doing so many things with you that just a few months ago I wouldn't have even considered doing. If you were to tell me I was doing half the stuff I was engaging in with you before we properly met I am positive I would've called you insane if not downright delusional.  However, now it was all different. You got me into music I would've never even considered listening to, mostly to my misconceptions of it being the Devil's music. I would've never worn ripped jeans, and a Thin Lizzy t-shirt. Hell, I would've never died my hair black. But thanks to you it has all changed, and I can't say I'm against or regret that change one bit.

High school was coming to a close soon. The end of the year was approaching, and we already figured out what we were going to do. While, everyone else was going to their chosen colleges or universities you decided to fulfill your music dream, while I went to acting school. Of course we would have to do some side jobs, but we had it figured out for the most part. Throughout the years we have saved up our money, and if it all goes to shit my grades were good, and I could get accepted into a good university to get a good job, so we were decently prepared.

Neither of our parents knew about our plan to ditch and go to Los Angeles. Your sister did, but she just shrugged her shoulders, said 'Okay, and what do you want?', and then went back to reading her magazine. Once graduation came after the ceremony was over we silently dipped out of the crowd and rushing back home so we could quickly pack up our stuff into the U-Haul we rented.

Once there we hastily tossed everything that would be any value to us. Your guitar, clothes, comics, vinyls, and posters along with my books, violin, and clothes were all stiffly packed into the truck. The trip as expected was a few hours. After all California was a big state so this was to expected. Once, we arrived in Los Angeles the scene and style here was completely and utterly different from the small town of La Mesa. The girls here were very promiscuous looking, their hair was practically twice the size of them, and their makeup was very colorful, and consumed the entirety of their face. The guys on the other hand were all very loud, outgoing, but very dazed. Sure you had one or two of them back in La Mesa, but not like this. The colorful lights illuminated the night sky in LA. Just like its inhabitants the city seemed to never sleep.

As we arrived at our small apartment we began to unload our stuff for the truck. The apartment was within a complex. It was in the lower end part of Los Angeles. It wasn't top dollar or anything, and it probably wasn't up to safety/security standards, but it was what we could afford for the time being. 

At this point after a few hours the unpacking was done. Tomorrow would be a new day of our new lives. You would be working on finding a band to play with while I toggle between working at the local diner and acting lessons. But that was enough thinking, worrying, and stressing for the time being. We made it. We finally escaped. Now was the time to just do something that matters with our newfound freedom.

As we sat on the bed exhausted as all hell mindlessly gazing at the television set  I began to lean in closer to your form. A few beers and a small plastic bag of marijuana sat next to us on the nightstands adjacent to the bed. Sweat emanated off of both of us, but you and I were too tired and too lazy to care for the time being. However, because of this new step and chapter to the rest of our lives I began to lazily roll onto of your body and gently kiss you. However, after a few short minutes what were originally cute innocent small pecks and kisses turned into feverish, wild, and ferocious exchanges between our lips and tongues.

You soon gripped onto my lower body pulling me closer towards your own as I began to grip onto your now long and grown out red hair. We soon began to strip each other of our clothing leaving us panting as we had to pull apart for air only left now in our underclothes. Your eyes were glazed over in lust as you looked over my body. I knew I was the same being no better than you were. I couldn't speak for you but at that moment my legs were clenched together shut trying to hide my growing arousal for you, my cheeks were rosy red with infatuation with you, and my lower abdomen felt like it was about to boil over because of all the heat and stimulation I was receiving from you.

"Come here Pamina." You ordered me over to you, and i couldn't resist you as you gaze and raspy voice had me enamored and hypnotized with and by you. As we resumed you pulled the rest of our clothes off and then swiftly entered me resulting in me squeaking not being well adjusted or used to the new sensation. After a few seconds it became nothing but pleasurable leaving me comfortably numb. This was what independence

I know what I like. And I am absolutely positive that that was the best feeling that ever erupted within my body. I knew what I wanted I wanted you to kiss me once and kiss me twice.  I needed you to kiss me deadly.


	10. Don't Get Any Big Ideas

**Don't get any big ideas  
They're not gonna happen  
You paint yourself white  
And fill up with noise  
There'll be something missing  
And now that you found it  
It's gone  
Now you feel it you don't  
You've gone off the rails - Radiohead**

"Augsburg your lines came out choppy yet again! From the top!" My vocal and acting coach yelled at me once more.

It's been few weeks since we moved to LA. I was juggling this and a day job, while you were out looking for a band to play with. It was hard having a free moment just between the two of us. Any sort of silence and free time was practical if not completely vanquished from our daily schedule. It was always get up, make breakfast, shower, get dressed and take the bus to work. Maybe if I was lucky a time or two I would be able to do the laundry, listen to a Budgie or Judas Priest album, or just sit back and fiddle with my violin.But other than those rarities such a luxury never occurred.

It was pushing around 1:30 in the morning now. I'm just running on coffee and loose nicotine cigarettes at this point. It was affecting my acting and vocals at this point. What the hell. The coach told us to take a break, but insisted on me coming with her and ended up pulling me to the side isolated and away from the others.

"What is wrong with you?" She asked gruffly.

My eyes perked up with interest and confusion. "Excuse me?" I pondered.

"You heard me. What are you doing? You're acting is as bland and stale and a burnt piece of toast. A corpse would have more animation than you do."

I looked down towards my feet. The blush on my face becoming redder and redder as embarrassment flooded my body.

"Look at me when I am talking to you Pamina." Her tone only getting stricter and harsher by the second which only, in turn, made me quake in my boots. "Where is the passion in your voice when you are acting? Why are your motions so frigid and stiff when you move? You act like some sort of emotionless robot when you try to emote."

I began to pick at my nails as she continued. The harshness of her voice made me feel ashamed of myself for my lackluster performance. Even though this was only practice I felt nothing but a deep sense of inadequacy for not living up to this woman's expectations of me.

"Don't get any big ideas. They are not going to happen. You want to be a movie star or something? Get better at you expressions and maybe you'll prove yourself as anything besides worthless."

I wanted, no I needed to be like her. She was the definition of perfection and fierceness when it came to her acting ability. Her ability to project her emotions onto her audience seemed to drag anyone into her performance. I wanted to learn from her. I didn't want to be a waitress forever, or worse yet a white-collar worker. Such a life seemed boring and depressing. I got out of that life back in La Mesa for a reason. I sure as hell wasn't going to go back to it after I escaped. I needed to prove her wrong. I needed to prove myself wrong.

Classes were about to end for the night and I was about to pack up and leave before my instructor gently but still a bit forcefully grabbed me by my shoulder. "Do it for yourself Pamina. You can't make everyone proud. You have to get better on your own. A book isn't going to tell you how to get better."

I nodded towards her than hastily packed up to leave. I rushed out of the class to try and catch the bus. It was the last only one that ran this late at night. As I jumped on I quickly found my way to the back of the bus and quickly began to doze off, exhausted from my day. As much as I hated to admit it she was right. How was I ever going to be a proper actress if I couldn't even properly sustain a scene without looking drab or boring especially in comparison to my fellow actors?

As I began to sleep I fell into this illusion like state of being as it felt like I was the backseat driver of this woman. I stood behind her hidden in the shadowy daze around me as she was walking up on the stage to receive an award. However, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't catch her face. It was like it was cropped out of my view. She stood confident and tall as black revealing satin dress hugged her curves firmly. Her black hair was tied up in a firm. but the still stylish bun and her stature held nothing and gave off nothing but grace and smoothness that seemed impossible for a living human to possess.

Just as I suddenly felt the urge to move and began to move towards her I was suddenly stopped in my tracks as yelling invaded my ears.

"Lady, this is the last stop of the night! Get out before I kick you out." He stated this in a slurred and annoyed tone. I stretched and made my way off the bus and into our apartment complex. When I made my way inside I expected you to be sound asleep. But to my surprise, I found you still up and not at all drowsy. You had your hair pulled back into a low hanging ponytail and had your reading glasses on as you kept flipping through the newspaper while the dimmed light from the nightstand illuminated your face and outlined your body lying on the dingy and unkept bed.

I made my way towards your form not really paying attention as you set down the newspaper and held my body in place against yours. You pulled me closer towards you and planted a soft yet lazy kiss on top of my head.

"Any luck today, Dave?" I craned my neck to look up towards you.

"None, you?" You replied rather exasperatedly.

"Nope."

For the rest of the night, we sat alone on the bed in silence as the pitter patter from the rain kept falling down. The street lights were still ongoing and the loud sounds and noises of Los Angeles never seemed to stop for even a second. As the noises filled my head I knew there was something missing, and I couldn't find it. It's gone. I'll go off the rails trying to find it. However, I feel like I'll never be able to obtain it.


	11. Abstract Wordless Movements

** Genius to fall asleep  
To your tape last night  
(So warm)  
Sounds go through the muscles  
These abstract wordless movements  
They start off cells that  
Haven't been touched before  
These cells are virgins  
(Waking up slowly) ** **Nothing will be the same  
(I'm fast asleep)  
I like this resonance  
It elevates me  
I don't recognize myself  
This is very interesting - Björk**

 

 _"Am I not the most selfish and wretched of fortune's fools? Oblivious I live in a training ground for prostitutes; my mentor is an abuser and purveyor; I've been complicit with my sister's murderer, and the killer of my family, as he corrupted my mind. I sought relief from my pain and he turned me away from the truth."_   The line belted out from my voice as nothing by anger seeped through and cut through the atmosphere around me like butter.

I kept practicing since that night. I had off from work the following morning which led me to continuously practice over my lines. I needed to be this character. My acting coach's words struck a chord with me. How am I to get anywhere if I can't do anything right? My acting coach was putting on a small production for the public starring us. It was her original screenplay. Myself and all the other girls were rather honored to be a part of it. Somehow I got the lead role. I couldn't let her down, but most importantly I couldn't let myself down.  I had to be my own person. Even though you provided me security I still had to do something with my life. I've been in the shadow of everyone else since I was born. This was to be my liberation. This was my chance.

Even though we always confided within each other some things I just couldn't tell you. This was the same for you. With some things you don't know just how I feel. And to be honest I don't expect you to. At times others couldn't help us. At times we just had to struggle through it by ourselves in order to find the light at the end of the tunnel. This was basically our routine. Sure we told each other about our day, but we never necessarily told each other about how we felt about what has occurred. Why should we? I didn't know a thing about music, and you didn't know a single iota about movies and acting. How could we take advice from each other the we knew virtually nothing about our ambitions, besides knowing that we liked those things and strived to be those things?

This often lead to funny moments with you walking in on me seeing me yell at a mirror. But nothing else mattered at this point. All I needed was my passion. Without that who was I?

After hours passed I made my way onto the local bus to ride over to classes. Just a mere few hours away it would be my debut. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to be a somebody. I wanted to do something that mattered. I knew there was no logic to this blanket statement. If there was any I couldn't find it. If I was functioning on logic I wouldn't stopped dead in my tracks with this whole acting ordeal, I wouldn't have just dropped off the face of the earth after high school graduation, I would be in college getting some trivial degree in business or whatever, and most importantly I wouldn't be with you. You're the one that helped me say fuck you, and told me to fuck logic.

As I entered the studio all of the other girls were already in their costumes, since this was a dress rehearsal. I immediately tossed my coat off to the ground and got into the scene. 

I was the lead role. I was playing a young girl who lost her family in a fire and has been institutionalized since the age of nine. Anger and rage. That was my role. This hidden beast within me was a fuse that was about to erupt a burst from within me. My human behavior had no map or compass. All that pent up emotion from my infancy and throughout the entirety of my childhood and teenage years has developed like some puss filled sore needing to be opened in order for the sunlight and oxygen to come in a heal it.

Independent film directors were coming in to view this. I couldn't mess up now. I have gotten so far away from him, and so far away from what I was accustomed to to turn back now.

As the sun set and the moon came out the crowd began to form with the small auditorium. There were all these business looking like people who all seemed very important, but were all incredibly tense and stiff. However, among all these black units and frilly dresses an outlier stood out in the entire sea of people. Long ,curly, untamed red hair, a Dead Kennedys t-shirt, stark blue jeans, and some old Reebok sneakers. Even you had so much faith I that I would do good. You dropped everything for me at the drop of a dime. You put your dream on hold just to be around me and witness me try to achieve my own dream.

When the play started all eyes were on me ,but strange part was is that I felt more at home and comfortable acting infant of a bunch of strangers rather than talking regularly to people outside of this profession.  When on stage I felt this sort of high that made me feel like I was above the clouds and souring. It was as if I wasn't apart of myself. I enjoy this resonance. It elevates me to the point I don't recognize myself. But I don't want this feeling to stop. It's very interesting. The feelings and the sounds around me go through my muscles and are taking control of my body. These sensations of ecstasy are actively flowing throughout my body. This new found confidence wrecks me. The abstract wordless movements save my life. Acting was unfurling me. It was taking root where the empty space inside my heart was: my lack of passion in life.

**Author's Note:**

> Reupload from Wattpad


End file.
